My Heart can't let her go!

At some point in my life I felt like my emotions were not ok. I felt like showing my emotions was a weakness. So I began holding them in. For anyone who knows me, they know that I feel very large emotions. But I tend to feel the need to keep them to myself. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I do. So when it’s time for a little one to move one, I tell myself that it’s ok, that this is what’s supposed to happen. That this was always part of the plan, and a part of me actually believes that I’m ok with it, when in fact I’m completely broken. I don’t know how I am going to live never seeing that sweet face again. Tonight as I write this I face another little one leaving tomorrow and up until this very evening I haven’t let myself feel what I actually feel. I made her memory and sure it made me sad looking back at the sweet pictures as I carefully laid out the pages but I guarded my heart against the my true feeling. I even packed away all of her things, but still no feelings slipped through. I made the final preparations for her departure yet still I held it all in. Letting myself believe the lies that I had been telling myself. And not letting myself be vulnerable even to myself. My worker called to ask how I was doing and I said all the things she needed to hear about how it would be hard

but that we knew that this was always the plan and that she was always meant to go back home. I don’t even want to show my emotions to my husband! I’m afraid he won’t understand. So tonight suddenly while alone in the shower, all my feelings came flooding over me and all I could do was weep. As I washed my hair I wept, and now I can’t stop. All my thoughts keep screaming, “I DON’T WANT HER TO GO!” over and over again and as that thought goes through my head the sobs over take my body. My head knows all the facts but my heart is a different story!