I crashed last night! Not physically but emotionally. I've been in a downward spiral ever since I broke my ankle this summer. Although when you see me I may say things are fine, but that's this default that I have put myself in because it's too painful or too hard to actually explain what's going to people who aren't apart of this world. So why did I crash last night, was it a hard day, not any more then any other day. Were the children more difficult then usual no! But it's months and months of never quite getting to the point of being whole. It really started in May when we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby! But I dove into our next placement and just pushed my feeling deep inside. Then it was summer and those were hard two months. We had older kids in our home, which added a completely foreign dynamic to our home. Our oldest placement disclosed somethings that led to some very hard days ahead, and our second oldest placement was drug into it as well. Our youngest placement has bladder issues and we've been trying to help her through them, but this means one of us stays up late to take her to the bathroom and the other gets up early. None of these things were the straw that broke the camel's back. That was when I stepped wrong getting out of the truck in value village in Red Deer one beautiful August day and broke my ankle. Although the pain wasn't bad, I was laid up for 6 weeks, and even after that I still endure pain on a every day basis, to this day. I've tried to get back to being more active but every time I do, I end up in even more pain, which has just led to this downward spiral of being lazy. Then we were placed with a sweet but active boy, who's behaviors brought me to the brink of my sanity. Then the unexpected happened and we were faced with my worst nightmare. One of my kids had said somethings, although taken out of context, brought our home under investigation. I was devastated! Hurt beyond my wildest dreams. It forced me to talk about a time in our journey where things were really hard, and I wasn't my best. A time in our lives that we wish never had happened and that we've been trying to forget ever since. I was forced to sit and talk to a stranger about the worst months of my life. But when it was done I had to go home and take care of my kids and my home like nothing happened. And so, life went on and I had to move on like nothing happened, and then wait, while they decide whether or not our actions required consequences for us. They said it would be wrapped up in about 3 weeks, well it's been twice that amount of time and we still have no solid answers. Now those of you who know me fairly well will know that when life get's stressful I don't sleep. And our little dude didn't always sleep well either. So being tired only escalated the situation. Christmas hasn't helped this process either. Now Christmas itself can be hard for families like us, because for some of the kids we care for they have experiences that aren't happy and the holidays just remind them that they can't be with their bio parents like most kids. They often take this out on their current caregivers and this has been no different for our family this week. Add on 6 days of family visiting, shopping, Christmas dinners and a soccer tournament, meant that yesterday when I asked a child to do a simple task and she snapped at me, I broke down. I locked myself in my bedroom and my family went out and enjoyed one last family gathering. It meant that I went for a walk and wanted to join in the festivities but instead I instead I ended up walking home alone crying the whole way. It meant that this morning I didn't get out of bed.
But the end of this story has still to be written, you see I can be brave and strong for a long time, but eventually I break, and then it takes me sometime to pick myself up, but the one thing I realized last night was that I have pulled myself away from everyone who loves me. When I'm hurting I have no one I want to turn too, except my husband, and he is living it too, so not always helpful. I realized that through no fault of theirs I've pushed away all my friends and my family, because, I'm scared of what they'll think, because I don't want to let them see how much I'm hurting. I also realized that in the last few months I have lost myself, I am a mom or a wife first and always, which means when things are tough Kate gets pushed aside, and when I say things have been tough for months, with this realization I decided that I need to come first, because I am not a good mom or wife when I can't barely recognize who I have become. So this morning I went for a walk, by myself. Keith is home and more then capable of taking care of the kids and dealing with anything that my come along. IT's TIME to TAKE CARE of ME!
So although I don't make new years resolutions as such for 2020, I need to try and be more vulnerable with my friends and family. I need to take time for me, no matter what life throws my way.
