Today thoughts: As I sit her listening to my daughter
watching a show I think about life. It’s so much simpler when you are a child.
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, first of all because I was planning a
sanitary bag for my 10 yr. old. It makes me sad that I have to think about
these things when she’s still so little. It makes me even sadder that she will
soon have to think about these things as well. It seems unfair that although
she won’t have any purpose for her cycle for probably 10 more years she will
have to live with it anyways. So as I lay in bed I decided that I need to make
this transition as easy as possible, hence the sanitary bag that I’m going to
sew her. This way whenever it comes she’ll be as prepared as possible. I was 11
when I got mine so not much older then she will be but it still seems more
unfair for her.
Another thought that kept me awake was that I have a lot of
thoughts in my head, many which never go anywhere. These are thoughts I want to
share, but don’t really have an avenue. So I decided to at least write them
down. So here I am writing my first journal entry, maybe I’ll post it on my
blog, but for now it’s just for me. Some of my thoughts that I had yesterday
was that I want to help find a new pastor for our church and as hard as it will
be to see pastor go I’m excited to see what this next phase of our church will
look like. Our Pastor has done so much for us over the last 11 years but God
has called him to move on and that’s OK. Although change is never easy at the
same time change is necessary for life. As our building gets build we are
already in a time of change so the timing is right, as Gods timing is never
wrong. The other thing I think about is Dean’s family this new position will
give him the ability to spend more time with them, and they deserve that. It’s
definitely going to be hard to see him go and to not be able to text him every
time I have need something but this is good for him and good for the church.
As I think about Dean leaving I think: Do I look at the
world differently than other people. Or does everyone see the world in this
way? I’ve always had this ability to see things from other people’s perspective
and although I don’t always enjoy that part of myself, it’s a useful ability
when change is forced upon you. Our thoughts unique I don’t know, are they
important I think so.
Yesterday as I advocated for Becca at a doctor’s office I
thought about all sorts of different things. First I thought about how much I
love Rebecca and how special she is. She looks at the world in a unique way
also. She loves with her whole heart and she loved everything and everyone. But
at the same time I find all her emotions very hard to deal with. She still
cries on a regular basis over the cats that we have lost in the past. We still
can’t even mention their names without her getting upset and crying. I also
think about how hard she is to handle sometimes and I think about how her
family is the only ones that she shows this side of herself too. Everyone else
gets her best, they get all her focus and attention. They think she’s the
sweetest, more caring, adorable and cooperative child ever, and she is to a
point. But when she’s done being all those things for everyone else she has
nothing left for her family and so we get the Becca who take 5 tries to put her
backpack away and the Becca who can’t do her chores without me constantly
reminding her what she’s supposed to be doing and we get the Becca who is
distracted by everything and anything. As I sit at the doctor’s office trying
to explain this to him, it makes me frustrated because if she’d show the other
side of herself to other people we could start getting the help she needs. The
help I wish I had when I was in school.
Being a parent is hard, we all want the best for our
children but sometimes no matter how hard we try we can’t prevent things from
happening. I cannot prevent Emily from getting her period all I can do is help
her and be there for her when it does come. I cannot change the system for
Becca and so until life becomes harder she will not get any help no matter how
much I advocate for her. As a parent all we can do is prepare our children the
best we can and pray. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have prayer. So many
times I get frustrated with life or other things and all I can do is pray and
know that God has a plan beyond what I can see. I don’t know what parents who
don’t know Him do when things get out of their control.
I end this post with this:
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