I Just want to Say Hello Again!

 As I sit here I reflect on the last two months. Two months! That’s how long it’s been since I saw your faces, the last time I hugged and we were forced to say goodbye. I can’t believe it’s been that long. As the days past things get easier, life takes on a new normal, but one thing doesn’t get easier and that’s how much I miss you. How much I just want a hug and to hear you say hello again, and to never have to say goodbye. I look around my house and it still feels empty without you in it. I still hear your voice echo through the house again. I don’t know if that will ever change. I miss you so much my sweet, sweet girls!

The last two months have been the worse. I’d give anything to go back to quarantine when we had to be together for months with no break, at the time I didn’t know how I would get through without a break and now that you aren’t here anymore I just want those times back. I want to wake up and know you are still here. I want to hear your voice, and see your face around our table again. I miss those times we had together. I miss movie nights, and tiktok dances. I miss family meals and everything in between. I even miss our arguments. Life has become so simple and I used to like our simple life, but that same life now seems empty without you in it. I hate this simple life! I want the complicated life back, and I know I can’t have it, not with you at least, at least not right now and that breaks my heart in a way I didn’t even know was possible. I honestly can say I didn’t know how much I wanted you here until you weren’t anymore. If given another chance I won’t take it for granted. I will live everyday like it’s my last with you. I will hug you like every hug is the last one I’ll get, because if I had known that hug was going to be our last for this long I would have held on tighter. I would have told you I love you one more time. My heart is never going to be the same, there will always be scar where it broke when I lost you my sweet girls.

But as I think about the last two months, it makes me think of the 16months before that. The day I met you and how scared you must have been. It makes me think of all the good days we had. There were so many. I miss those days the most. The day in Drumheller when we went hiking in the hoodoos, and stopped and picked flowers in the ditch. When you wrote your name in the sand, with our name attached. That was my favorite day! But there were so many more that come close to being a favorite. The day you decided you were ready to call me Mom! The day you told a court room full of people that I was “your mom!” As hard as that day was, it will always be a memory that I cherish in my heart! It still hurts me so much that they made you leave people who you loved so much, and who you loved so much! It makes me so angry that the system is so broken and that you had to be a part of it.  There are so many more days that I miss. Like your anniversary party. The day you came home from your family visit and saw your new room, I’m so sad you only got to enjoy it for 2 weeks. The way you came running down to your new room, crying, and said I never knew how much you loved me! My heart broke a little that day because you deserved so much love and you deserved to know how much we all loved you. Your birthdays were special. Christmas, I’m sad because I only got to have one, but it was a great one! The day that you and dad made up and that hug! I'm so glad I made the snap decision to take a picture of that hug. That way we will never forget that day. That was a good day too. But most of all I miss the everyday, I miss seeing you in the morning, I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing you talk about your life. I missing hugging you goodnight. I miss knowing everything! My love for you hasn’t changed and it never will, which makes not knowing anything even harder for me. I really hope that this isn’t the end of our relationship. I really hope we still have a future together so way, but no matter what I will cherish the days we had together, even if they were numbered!

I miss you and love you my sweet girls!

Sometimes it's all about ME!

I crashed last night! Not physically but emotionally. I've been in a downward spiral ever since I broke my ankle this summer. Although when you see me I may say things are fine, but that's this default that I have put myself in because it's too painful or too hard to actually explain what's going to people who aren't apart of this world. So why did I crash last night, was it a hard day, not any more then any other day. Were the children more difficult then usual no! But it's months and months of never quite getting to the point of being whole. It really started in May when we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby! But I dove into our next placement and just pushed my feeling deep inside. Then it was summer and those were hard two months. We had older kids in our home, which added a completely foreign dynamic to our home. Our oldest placement disclosed somethings that led to some very hard days ahead, and our second oldest placement was drug into it as well. Our youngest placement has bladder issues and we've been trying to help her through them, but this means one of us stays up late to take her to the bathroom and the other gets up early. None of these things were the straw that broke the camel's back. That was when I stepped wrong getting out of the truck in value village in Red Deer one beautiful August day and broke my ankle. Although the pain wasn't bad, I was laid up for 6 weeks, and even after that I still endure pain on a every day basis, to this day. I've tried to get back to being more active but every time I do, I end up in even more pain, which has just led to this downward spiral of being lazy. Then we were placed with a sweet but active boy, who's behaviors brought me to the brink of my sanity. Then the unexpected happened and we were faced with my worst nightmare. One of my kids had said somethings, although taken out of context, brought our home under investigation. I was devastated! Hurt beyond my wildest dreams. It forced me to talk about a time in our journey where things were really hard, and I wasn't my best. A time in our lives that we wish never had happened and that we've been trying to forget ever since. I was forced to sit and talk to a stranger about the worst months of my life. But when it was done I had to go home and take care of my kids and my home like nothing happened. And so, life went on and I had to move on like nothing happened, and then wait, while they decide whether or not our actions required consequences for us. They said it would be wrapped up in about 3 weeks, well it's been twice that amount of time and we still have no solid answers. Now those of you who know me fairly well will know that when life get's stressful I don't sleep. And our little dude didn't always sleep well either. So being tired only escalated the situation. Christmas hasn't helped this process either. Now Christmas itself can be hard for families like us, because for some of the kids we care for they have experiences that aren't happy and the holidays just remind them that they can't be with their bio parents like most kids. They often take this out on their current caregivers and this has been no different for our family this week. Add on 6 days of family visiting, shopping, Christmas dinners and a soccer tournament, meant that yesterday when I asked a child to do a simple task and she snapped at me, I broke down. I locked myself in my bedroom and my family went out and enjoyed one last family gathering. It meant that I went for a walk and wanted to join in the festivities but instead I instead I ended up walking home alone crying the whole way. It meant that this morning I didn't get out of bed. 

But the end of this story has still to be written, you see I can be brave and strong for a long time, but eventually I break, and then it takes me sometime to pick myself up, but the one thing I realized last night was that I have pulled myself away from everyone who loves me. When I'm hurting I have no one I want to turn too, except my husband, and he is living it too, so not always helpful. I realized that through no fault of theirs I've pushed away all my friends and my family, because, I'm scared of what they'll think, because I don't want to let them see how much I'm hurting. I also realized that in the last few months I have lost myself, I am a mom or a wife first and always, which means when things are tough Kate gets pushed aside, and when I say things have been tough for months, with this realization I decided that I need to come first, because I am not a good mom or wife when I can't barely recognize who I have become. So this morning I went for a walk, by myself. Keith is home and more then capable of taking care of the kids and dealing with anything that my come along. IT's TIME to TAKE CARE of ME!

So although I don't make new years resolutions as such for 2020, I need to try and be more vulnerable with my friends and family. I need to take time for me, no matter what life throws my way.

My Heart can't let her go!

At some point in my life I felt like my emotions were not ok. I felt like showing my emotions was a weakness. So I began holding them in. For anyone who knows me, they know that I feel very large emotions. But I tend to feel the need to keep them to myself. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I do. So when it’s time for a little one to move one, I tell myself that it’s ok, that this is what’s supposed to happen. That this was always part of the plan, and a part of me actually believes that I’m ok with it, when in fact I’m completely broken. I don’t know how I am going to live never seeing that sweet face again. Tonight as I write this I face another little one leaving tomorrow and up until this very evening I haven’t let myself feel what I actually feel. I made her memory and sure it made me sad looking back at the sweet pictures as I carefully laid out the pages but I guarded my heart against the my true feeling. I even packed away all of her things, but still no feelings slipped through. I made the final preparations for her departure yet still I held it all in. Letting myself believe the lies that I had been telling myself. And not letting myself be vulnerable even to myself. My worker called to ask how I was doing and I said all the things she needed to hear about how it would be hard

but that we knew that this was always the plan and that she was always meant to go back home. I don’t even want to show my emotions to my husband! I’m afraid he won’t understand. So tonight suddenly while alone in the shower, all my feelings came flooding over me and all I could do was weep. As I washed my hair I wept, and now I can’t stop. All my thoughts keep screaming, “I DON’T WANT HER TO GO!” over and over again and as that thought goes through my head the sobs over take my body. My head knows all the facts but my heart is a different story!

Preparing for the unpreparable!

Now some of you may be wondering what I do to prepare myself for a goodbye. How do you say goodbye to a child that you've mother's for weeks or months. What could you possibly do to make something that seems impossible possible?

When the process is works the way it’s supposed to, we are given some time before the child actually leaves our home. When we are first informed that they are getting ready to move a child in our home I usually take a day or two to process the news. You see I don’t handle change well. Which considering the life I am currently living it is almost laughable! Since starting down this crazy journey our family has fluctuated in size more than a few times. But once I’ve come to terms with the move that is going to happen, my next step in the grieving process is to pray. I always pray for 3 specific things during this transition time.

1.     The first thing I ask God to help with, is looking out for the child who’s leaving. I don’t like being out of control but with these bonus children I don’t have a choice. They are leaving no matter what I do or say and once they are no longer living in my home I have zero control, so I ask God to watch over them, and to keep them safe in the months and years to come and that although they may not always remember my love they will always know love! 

2.     The second thing I take to God is my family. Every time a sweet face goes to live in another home it affects our family. Some worse than others, and so I ask our Father to help my bio children to be accepting and understanding of the move ahead of our family. I also pray over their grieving process, because in the weeks or months that bonus child lived with us, we’ve loved them as our own and so when they leave there is grief. Each of my children are unique and so I ask God to be with them in their personal grief, however that looks!

3.     The third thing I pray for is for the soon to be empty bed and for the next little person who’s going to fill it. I don’t know who that person is ,but God does. He knows where he/she is living. What the situation for this child is in! God knows it all and so I ask him to protect that child and to prepare them for what’s coming in their little life.

  Physically in the weeks before a child leaves our home I go through all our stuff to make sure that I’m not forgetting anything that belongs to them. I begin to pack their belongings. I fold up all their little clothes into boxes or suitcases. I pack their toys making sure there’s nothing I’ve missed. I make sure on the day they leave that they have all their favourite things with them so that even if there new home is completely unfamiliar there is something familiar. 

Once thing that I find helps me process a child leaving our home is to make them a memory book of their time with us. This book contains pictures of the things we did together. Looking back over the pictures from our weeks or months together helps me come to terms with the hard goodbye ahead.

This is my process and I’m sure it’ll change in the future but these are the things that I’ve found have helped make saying goodbye a little easier.

Less Sad Goodbye's

Well in the last 5 months we have made another small child apart of our family, and already we've said goodbye to her. 

It’s been a crazy 5 months. This particular little one has been sick or teething for most of the winter and the other little one we added to our ranks a little while later has followed suit. So spent a good part of the first two months of 2019 being cooped up in our house. This made for a rough couple of months. 

Now many of you have read post from similar bloggers like myself talking about how hard it is to let a placement go. But maybe you haven’t heard about the ones that are easier to let go. We foster parents don’t talk about the ones that we have a hard time attaching too. The ones that don’t jive with our family. Unfortunately this little sweetheart was one of those. She was adorable and had the best personality when we were out, but at home when it was just us it was hard, and that made it hard on everyone. So when I got the call that she was leaving us, I wasn’t sad. I immediately started thinking and planning the move as it was short notice.  The person who delivered the news kept asking me what I needed and all I could think about was how I needed to start packing.  How the play house I bought wasn’t going to fit into the vehicle that would be picking her up. How that the time between when the call ended and when she’d need to go home was very busy family schedule was packed and now I needed to add one more thing to my list of things to do. Not once did I think about how this was going to change our life or how her leaving would impact our daily life. I hung up the phone and immediately ran off with one of our kids, to an afterschool activity and then to next, then ran home to scarfed down some supper. Then I had 15 minutes to spare before we had to rush off again. I immediately went into her room and started packing. I started putting together boxes and pulling her belonging out of the dresser  and as I grabbed a hand full of her pajamas, suddenly I got hit with a wave of sadness. Sadness that this little sweetheart would not living with us anymore. Sadness for my own children who would miss her.  And in my sadness I felt guilty, why guilty you ask? I felt guilty because this is a happy moment. This is how it’s all supposed to be. This was a best case scenario, it all worked the way it’s planned. But it was still sudden and unplanned and it’s sad. 

The next day I finish packing all her things, make the final arrangements. I keep myself busy, busy meant I wasn't thinking and thinking meant I wasn't feeling. Then the moment happened, it’s time for her to go. I hand her off, she squeals in excitement at the sight of her family. We pack all her things in the vehicle. Her family shakes my hand and thanks me for being there for her and then they take her and go. I can feel the emotions swelling up and I say my final words to her family. I keep it under control, I think I have to.  After they drive away I sit down, relaxing for the first time since hearing the news, and really think. I let the emotions come over me, these emotions aren’t huge every changing emotions, but calmer, just a swell of sadness from deep inside me. I let myself sit in my emotions for the next little bit. 

So if you see a parent who takes in other peoples children when they need a place to stay, and they have recently said goodbye to one of their little ones, always remember that no matter how easy of a goodbye they say it was, it's still a goodbye. They are still loosing someone who was apart of their family for a time and no matter how it happens it's always hard to stay goodbye to a part of your family!!

Transitions

Once again life has changed! As we transition onre bonus baby into our home we also transition one out of our home. The feeling of sending a child home to their parents is one that I can’t really explain. On one hand you are so happy! Happy for the child who gets to live with their mom or dad again, happy for the parent who has overcome some huge obstacles to regain custody of their child. Yet on the other hand you feel broken! Broken because while the parents were getting things figured out, you took their child into your home, you loved them. You kissed and hugged them. When they were sad you comforted them. When they were sick you were worried about them. All of these things make you love them and when you love a child and the child leaves you, life feels incomplete for a little while.

One thing that has helped me grieve the losses of this little people is that I scrapbook their time with us, and send it with them. I know it may get lost or thrown away, but it’s my way of giving them a piece of me to take with them.

Now that’s something I do for myself but that doesn’t help my bio children grieve. So I’ve been trying to think of ways to help them. Now we are about to say goodbye to another little one. This little one has been a part of our lives only for a few months but our children have grown very attached to her. She is little and won’t really be able to appreciate the scrapbook that I’m making for her, so I decided to take our girls to build a bear and have them make her a stuffy. As they put the heart into the bunny  that they picked out for her. I told them to put all the love they felt for her into that heart, so that when she left she would go with all the love that they have for her. They bathed that bunny, and picked a name and clothes for her to wear, they hugged and kissed it. We will give her this gift on her last day with us, and though I don’t know if it will help them or not, but she will always have a piece of their heart with her as long as she has that bunny.  I hope somehow this helps my girls pain heal, or be a little less. But I don’t know that it will.

The day before our little one was set to go home, I took a little extra time doing everything with her. I gave her one last bath, one last hug (or 6), one last meal, one last snuggle, knowing that the next day was going to be tough. I gave each of my girls the choice of missing school or a missing a part of school, or saying goodbye before school. Emily choose to just say goodbye before school, so as she was about the leave I reminded her that she wouldn’t see baby again. She ran up the stairs and gave her a squeeze and a kiss, I held baby as Emily put on her coat and boots and we waved goodbye to Emily one last time. As tears sprung into my eyes I knew that it was going to be a rough day.

Rebecca had spent many times in the last couple of days in tears because she didn’t have enough time with baby, so she opted to skip school altogether. She spent the morning playing with baby. I spent the morning staying busy. I got the rest of baby’s things packed away. I also cleaned. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, bathrooms and basement. Not because they needed it that badly or because I was worried about what the social worker would think when she got to my house, but because by staying busy I didn’t think about the fact that the baby would be leaving soon.

When the social worker arrived my heart jumped into my throat. It was time! I gave baby one more squeeze and kiss, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I wiped them away and tried to put on a smile for the kids, but it didn’t work. The social worker packed up the sweet baby girl and took her. It was so hard, I watched her leave and then I curled up on the couch and let the tears flow freely. Rebecca was very sad as well. Her and I sat and cuddled on the couch for a while after and just held each other and cried. It’s hard because in our family we have the two extreme’s when it comes to emotions. Keith and Olivia are very logical and although they were sad and going to miss Baby, looked at it in the sense that this is what was supposed to happen and therefore not worth getting upset over. Emily runs somewhere in the middle and then Rebecca and I are very emotional and although we understand the logic of the situation our emotions still take over. Although I couldn’t be happier to be a part of such an amazing reunion, I grieve for our family. She became a part of our family in the months we had her and that’s what I grieve. I pray that she never has to go through this situation again but we will still miss her sweet face. Now to move on. It’s not easy and everyone does it different. For me it means cleaning. I try and keep myself busy, but when I least expect it, something triggers me and I am overcome with emotions, and it sends me spiraling. The things that have helped get me through is the emails from baby’s bio mom, thanking me and telling me I did amazing job. Also asking if I might want to have her back for a day or two. This is the part of the story that I haven’t got to be a part of before now. It’s amazing to be able to connect with her bio mom in a positive way and know that baby is back where she belongs, no matter how hard that is for us.

So what’s next? I don’t know! We never know, now we wait for another call, and while we wait we go on with life as normal, because it could all change any second. I pray for the children I have not met yet. The ones who are living in a situation less then ideal and don't even know it. I pray for the child who may come through our door any day. I pray for their parents who have made some undesirable life choices that has led their child into our door. These are the things that fill my prays. 

Please feel free to ask any questions you may have about this life we live! 

(Pictures are being posted with the permission of bio mom!)

Foster Life!

The last time I wrote here we had just started the foster parent process. Now we’ve been licensed for nearly a year. What has the last year looked like for us, you ask? Well, it’s been crazy but the best kind of crazy. It all started December 20, 2017 with a call from children’s services saying that we were licensed and they wanted to place 3 girls with us. My heart jumped into my throat as the worker described these girls, all I can say is that God placed the name of the oldest child on my heart, as the worker confirmed that yes that’s who they needed a home for. I couldn’t say no after that. So on December 20, only 5 days before Christmas we doubled the number of children in our family. Then
next 3 weeks were hectic as we adjusted to having 6 children. For the most part everyone fell into the routine of being a large family. It was so hard to watch as these sweet girls struggled through their situation. We scrambled together to get Christmas presents bought for our newest additions to our family. At first we were told we’d likely have them for 6mths, but shortly after new year’s we were told they’d be going back home relatively quickly. As we began to transition these girls back to their parent’s thing got harder, their behaviors were more frequent. We also had to juggle a lot, 3-5 visits a week, plus all our own family activities. In mid-February, the girls went home for the last time. I was torn up more than I could have thought was possible. How could I have become so attached in 6 short weeks? The hardest thing for me was that we didn’t get to say goodbye, I packed up their stuff and Keith drove the youngest home before school was even out. To this day I have not seen the 2 older girls. We did get an update a few months later, but I felt robbed for not getting to say goodbye. I knew these girls were meant to be home and that I had taken care of them the best I could but in the moment it didn’t feel like enough. I had to let God carry me through.

After the girls went home our beds stayed empty for 2 weeks. We did relief care, called respite for a few days but that was it. Then on the very last day of February we got a call about 2 boys. They were brothers in a rough situation that needed our beds. My heart bled as the worker described the situation that they were in and once again I couldn’t say no. As the worker talked she revealed that they was a third brother who they were going to try and place somewhere else, because his behaviors were out of our wheel house. Only an hour later the worker called back and said they couldn’t find anyone to take the third brother and was there any way we’d take him. We said yes, but this time to only take him temporarily, while the worker found another place for him. So the next day we went and met these boys. As we walked into the room where they were, my heart broke. The boys were all hiding and cowering behind other adults. I couldn’t image what had happened to them that made them so afraid of new people. The next few days were chaos. These boys were wild! They didn’t know how to behave around each other. I broke up fist fights, choking, and so much fighting. I dodged as things were hurdled at me. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. The next 3 months was more of the same chaos. As the boys started to feel safe, their behaviors continued to accelerate. One evening as I sat with my back to the door as one of the boys hurdled insult after insult at me, and when he realized that the insults weren’t working he started hurdling objects instead. I sat with my head protected by my arms and prayed to God to give me strength to continue on. This particular trauma filled outburst lasted for 3 hours. When it was over I couldn’t remember how I got through. I couldn’t remember what happened. All I could remember was that it was awful and I never wanted to do through it again. That wasn’t the way it was to be. I sat through many other incidents, some resulted in broken property.  After a particularly bad incident where I lost my cool, we asked for 1 of the boys to be removed, it broke my heart to make this decision, but deep down I knew I couldn't continue on. This is what I call the whirl-wind week. Within 7 days 2 of the boys moved. We were told that they’d like us to stay connected and visit as often as possible, so we spent one weekend day with the boys for the next 4 weeks. It was so hard because every time we saw them, they were so sad that they weren’t living with us anymore, yet we were relieved. The last 3 months were the worst of our lives, but they were the most normal they'd ever had.

After the boys left life settled down quite a bit, and life began to feel normal again. We only had 4 kids now, which seemed like a breeze after the last 3 months of crazy hectic. Then when summer vacation was about to start we got a message that there was a little baby 3 hours away and they couldn’t find a home for. She was tiny and had been alive for less than half a year. We said yes, and waited, the next 2 days seemed like forever, I tried not to get excited but it was so hard, a baby was exactly where my heart wanted to be. Then we got the call that they had been able to find kin for her instead. I was happy for the little one, who would be able to stay closer to home, yet I was sad, how could I be upset about a baby I had never met? It seems impossible but it was true I had wanted to have that baby so badly and yet I knew she was better off with kin. So I trusted in God and that he would lead us to where we needed to be. Not even a week later we got another call, another baby, and another girl this one a few months older. She was in need of a home and without even talking to Keith I told the worker on the phone that we’d take her. Just like that she moved in the same day. This was the beginning of our summer. July was a rough month as I got used to a baby getting up in the night. At first it wasn’t too bad, but after a few weeks I was worn out. We went through some tough stuff, we couldn’t figure out what was wrong. The baby cried a lot, sometimes uncontrollably. I realized that it’s a lot harder to take care of someone else’s baby then your own. There was so many things that I didn’t understand about her and had to learn by trial and error, many, many errors. We had both of our bonus children get Hand, foot and Mouth, which meant 2 weeks of quarantine. This was hardest on our very outgoing bonus son. He couldn’t go to day camp or anywhere for over a week. For me this was bliss, don’t get me wrong the sick kids weren’t fun and our bonus son drove me crazy, but I loved being trapped inside the house. Summer continued, our family fell into a good rhythm. Life seemed to be normal once again. I started to feel like these kids were mine, not to keep forever, but for a while at least. Which didn’t happen, suddenly just as summer was winding down, we found out that they wanted to move our bonus son. I was devastated, not because I wanted to keep him forever, but because I thought he was going to stay for a while longer. I felt like the rug of my life had been ripped out from under me. We fought it, again not because we wanted to keep him, but because we wanted to make sure his best interest was being represented. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I sat through a two hour meeting where someone I never met, accused me of things that I couldn’t imagine. She was a ‘professional’ so therefore she must have been right! I said all the things I needed to say. I made all the points that I felt needed to be made and then left it in God’s hands. It was hard to trust that he knew what was best for everyone involved, but I tried. As the first month of school was half done, and we were preparing to spend some time with friends we got the call that he was being moved.  A part of me broke that day, as I knew we’d be losing him and that our hands were tied. I felt so helpless. Could I have done more, I thought! Was it enough? A cloud hovered over my head for the next week. I knew he would be ok, but it still saddened me. As the day of his move came closer the cloud got larger and on the morning of his moving day the cloud burst and I cried all the tears that I could muster. I wasn’t able to even get out of bed. All the kids asked what was wrong, and all Keith could say was that I was sad. After a while I regained control and was able to get myself ready for the day. We packed all his stuff into our truck and drove to his new house. I was dreading the moment when we’d have to leave him. As we got out of the truck, we were greeted by some of the people who worked at the house where the boys were now living. They told us that they had moved, not far, just next door, but moved none the less. So we went and knocked on the door and to my surprise we found that they were the only residents of this side of the house. We stayed and played with the boys for a while. They eagerly showed us around their new house. My heart started to mend, I knew that this was what was best for, not only the one who had been living with us, but all 3 of them. I shook my head as I knew I had been doubtful and had not trusted God fully, but that God had answered my prayers anyways. As our time there was coming to an end I so many huge hugs that I lost count, but he seemed happy and I knew that no matter how hard it was for us to let him go, this was the best thing for him.

The next week seemed like a blur! We had one less kid to get ready every morning. There wasn’t an endless stream of questions, and it was eerily quiet even when all the kids were home.  The dinner table also changed. As the week went on we slowly began to adjust to our new normal. Things seemed simpler, but not the same. Everyone seemed off too. Rebecca moved so slowly when she was getting ready for school, and cried over things that she normally wouldn’t cry over. Olivia seemed unaffected yet she was quick to argue and fight. Emily was moody and became upset quickly. I was probably the worst, although I felt like I was fine, my temper was always close to the service and I found myself snapping when I normally wouldn’t. This is what getting used to a new normal looks like. As the week was wrapping up we got a call about another little one in need of a home and so now we will have a new normal again.

This year has been so challenging on so many levels and there’s been many days were I don’t think I can’t handle it anymore. Then I look into the eyes of one of my bonus kids, or I hear of the crisis in the foster care system and my heart breaks again. I can’t imagine not doing this. There’s been so much hard stuff that I can’t even being to describe but when the phone rings and says will you take another, I can’t say no! I look at their innocent faces and can’t imagine saying no. So this is us! Our family has grown and shrunk far to often and will continue to do so in the months to come I'm sure. 

Please if you are a praying person, please pray for our family. Pray for the children who come into our lives and pray for ones who leave. Pray of us as we fall in love and grieve over and over again for the sweet faces we may never see again. 

New adventure ahead! All prayers welcome

It been a while since I last wrote. Why you may ask? Well we’ve been crazy busy since school started again. Both girls are doing well in school and all 3 have started skating and are doing fantastic this year. But that’s not what’s been keeping me the busiest. I guess I should start from the beginning, in August Keith and I decided we were going to begin a local adoption. We contacted our local social worker only to find out she was going on leave for 5 weeks, but that we could work on our paperwork for the home study portion of the application process so that when she did get back from leave we could jump right in. So that’s exactly what we did, we went and got our intervention, criminal and medical checks done. The next step was attending a 3 day training course in Red Deer 2 weekends ago. That’s when all the crazy really started. We arranged to have someone take the girls for the weekend and put the dogs into the kennel and off we went. We had no idea what the course was about or what to expect. Day one both Keith and I were super frustrated because we were there for adoption but everything was focused on fostering. But the information was good and we found a lot helpful. Day two came and by the end of the day we were more confused than ever, we still wanted to adopt but had some mixed feelings about whether we should adopt of maybe foster. Keith and I spent the whole evening talking and discussing what we should do, but no decision was made. Day three was more of the same, we were both very confused. I was very open to the idea of fostering but Keith was more on the fence. So we came home and did a lot more talking. Our adoption social worker was back so I talked to her about our dilemma. She suggested we meet with the foster care worker for our area, so we set up a meeting. We had a great meet and greet with our worker and she herself is a foster parent. At this point I was convinced that we should foster but Keith still wasn’t 100% yet. We did some more talking we shared with a few key people and asked for prayer, guidance and clarity. We asked many questions of both the local worker as well as the trainer from CSS. In what seemed to be whorl wind week we then decided and summited our official application to become a foster home, and all the other paperwork.  Then I started going crazy trying to get our house ready for the inspection, which happened yesterday. So now we the next step is we wait for our home study writer to come and start the long process of writing all about our lives. From our childhood to our lives now, and every detail in between. This is around a 60 day process and then at the end we will get licenced, if everything goes smoothly. I’m feeling really nervous because this is something I really want but my self-doubt makes me feel like we won’t get approved. But I have so much love to give and there’s nothing I want more then to open our home and my heart to a child or children out there who have had it rough. So we need lots of prayer, first that the process goes smoothly and quickly. Second, if we don’t get approved that my disappointment won’t be more then I can handle. Thirdly that if we do get approved that God prepares our hearts for whoever we will bring into our homes, that we will be patient and understanding with whatever the child has been through.

We hope someday to still adopt, but for now fostering is where our hearts are and where God wants us to be right now, and where we believe we can do the most for children out there who desperately need a loving, safe home for a little while or a long while.

Say A Prayer For me Tonight!

I can’t sleep tonight. I have so many things running through my head. So many things these days seem out of my control. So if you know me at all you know that I don’t like it when there are things that I can’t control. Generally I have figured out a way to control most things in my life. But every once in a while there’s things I can’t, and right now there’s a lot which means I don’t sleep.

What you ask is keeping me awake these days. Well my kids mostly. Getting back into the school routine has been hard on everyone, myself included. I want to make life easier for my kids, but I can’t. They need to learn how to be a part of the world on their own. My oldest daughter had a really hard day last week, to the point where she was crying and I wanted to just take her in my arms and tell that I could make it all better, but I couldn’t! My middle daughter is back at square one! We had come so far last year, but the summer undid all that and now when she get’s home from school, she’s a wreck! There’s also a bug unknown in our future and as much as I like to control things, I also don’t like the unknown. I know in God’s will it will all work out and his timing is always right, but waiting is hard. Also not knowing how long we are going to be waiting is even harder. My kids ask me questions everyday about the unknown in our future and I want to be able to settle their uncertainties but I can’t. All I can say is that it will happen someday.

So despite that fact that I was so excaused earlier that I couldn’t wait to get into bed tonight, I now sit here typing instead of sleeping because I don’t have control. I also know that God knows my future and he will take care of me and my family and this is something that I need to give to him, but my sinful nature wants to hold onto these fears. My sinful nature doesn’t want to let me let it go!

So tonight I ask for your prayers, to help me be strong in the ways that I am weak. I pray that God will help calm my brain so I can sleep, because without sleep tonight I won’t be able to get through tomorrow. So for all these things I ask in HI

Getting back into shape!

I can’t believe its September already. Today was the girls third day back in school. So far they are both doing well. Today also marked the third day that I started working out again. Back in January of this year I started a workout routine using the Fitstar app. It was going really well too, for a while. Then in April we went on a 3 week vacation. I felt so good, I had been working out 4 or 5 times a week for 3 months. I was in better shape than I had been in since the birth of my youngest daughter over 4 years before. I was determined despite having to take a break for the trip that I would get back to it when we got back. I tried, I really did, but it didn’t work and then summer came and everything went out the window. I tried to stay active, walking or biking at least 3 times a week, but that wasn’t enough. I also enjoyed more snacks during the summer.

Well I decided that once the girls were back in school I no longer had an excuse to not work out, so Tuesday after the girls were dropped off I got back to it. Man, it was hard! I’ve lost so much of what I had gained. My body feels old and weak again. It makes me so upset that I let it happen, but now that I realize the difference I feel even more motivated to get it back. I still haven’t been able to overcome a pre-pregnancy weight and I really want to say that I have accomplished that.

So today is day 3!  When I woke up this morning I was tired, my body isn’t used to getting up at 7 anymore. Even after my coffee I still felt tired, which meant I didn’t want to work out at all let alone do one of my most hated workouts. But about half way through my workout I realized that I wasn’t as tired as when I started. Yes I was out of breath and my muscles were hurting, but my brain felt less fuzzy and my eyes weren't as heavy feeling.  So why was today’s work out one of my most hated, you ask, well that’s because it involved a lot of cardio. Now I have too much fat on my body, and it all jiggles when I do any type of cardio which isn’t a great feeling, but on top of carrying more weight then I should I also have mild asthma, which is exasperated by the extra weight I carry. So cardio is hard. I can’t run because after only a minute or two I have to stop, because I can’t breathe. Well I did a cardio heavy work out today. It was hard! I had to stop midway through many times to catch my breath, but I finished it!

Today feels like a win! Tomorrow I will go again. I’m hoping that my body quickly remembers what it’s like to work out every day and I start to see results in the next couple of weeks, but we will see. I’m determined to not only get into better shape and better health but to also lose some inches and pounds that have found me this summer.

I would love to hear from my readers what you do to stay active?

Back to the real world!

Well it seems like just yesterday I was writing about the beginning of summer and now in what seems like a blink of the eye summer is almost over. It is now the 27^th of august and my kids go back to school next Tuesday! It’s crazy, but I feel like summer goes back quicker and quicker each year.

 Did you do everything you wanted to this summer? I know I didn’t! We were very busy, like usual! So I feel like I didn’t get enough time just at home with my family. You know reading in the backyard and being lazy while the kids play in the pool. Those types of days. We really didn’t go anywhere this summer either. After 3 weeks in the trailer this spring we felt that we had spent enough time on the road for one year so we planned to have a stay at home summer. We did take the trailer out twice, plus had friends borrow it for a few days and we had company stay in it for a week, so it still got plenty of use.

So if we didn’t spend the summer camping, how exactly did we spend it? Well, June and July was spent doing a lot of projects. We worked in our backyard many weekends, trying to make it look nice. August started out with having company and then from there on just flew by with b2s preparations and church and finally VBS this last week. We our currently spending this last weekend of Aug in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. One of my favourite places in the world.  I love stepping outside and seeing the magnificent mountains all around. This spring we took a 3 week road trip through, Montana all the way down to Arizona and then into California and up through B.C. We spent 3 weeks looking at different types of mountains but nothing compares to coming home to the Rocky’s! What’s your favourite place to be?

Are you someone who looks forward to the beginning of a new school year? I say this presuming most of my readers are moms, if you’re not a mom I’d be interested in knowing what part of the year is your favourite? I enjoy summer or when the kids aren’t in school. I enjoy being able to have more flexibilities and to be able to sleep in some days. But I do enjoy the routine that b2s brings to our life. Although I don’t like getting up at 7, it does make my day a lot more productive when I’m ready by 8, instead of the days I sleep in.

This year will be my oldest daughter last year in her current school. It’s seems crazy that they go to middle school in grade 6, but that’s what happens where we live. My middle daughter is going into grade 2. I’m curious how she will do with a new teacher? She’s often resistant to change and loved her grade one teacher a lot. My youngest daughter won’t be in school at all, she is old enough for kindergarten this year, but since her birthday is at the end of November I’m going to keep her home one more year. I’m planning on doing some preschool type activities with her this year since she really would like to go to school like her sisters do. Sometimes it’s hard being the youngest! Though, this is actually the first year she’s upset about being left at home. Most year’s by the time school starts again she can’t wait for her sister’s to leave so she can have all the toys to herself again!

Red zone reaction!

What’s your anxiety red zone? First let’s define a red zone. It’s what you do when you are panicking. There are 3 different types of zones. First is the green zone, that when everything is normal and all is well. Second is yellow, that’s when things aren’t quite as normal and you are starting to feel uncomfortable. Third is red, and that’s when things are out of control and you no longer are ok!

Now just like zones there are 3 different types of response to a red zone situation. First is flight, pretty much which means you run away from the situation. Second is fight, which means you start there and face the situation and fight whatever the situation is. This might be physical or verbal fighting. The third type of red zone reaction is freeze, this means your body goes into shut down mode. For some people that can mean literally freezing, so they can’t respond or move, for other’s it can mean they become passive and compliment even though they aren’t ok with the situation around them.

Now for myself I am a flight person. When I’m in a situation where I’m in my red zone, the only thing I can think about it running away, far, far away. When I was little and I would get into a fight with my parents I would run out into the field and I had a special spot where I would sit and think and eventually calm down. I think the reason I run is because during times of red zone I can’t think clearly my brain is all jumbled up and I need to get away. I need to be somewhere where I am alone and it is quiet. This was also the situation when my husband and I were first married. When we would argue or disagree I would need to leave. Now since I no longer lived on my childhood farm, I couldn’t go and think in my usual spot, but I found going to a walk had the same effect. It wouldn’t take long and my thoughts would become clearer and my judgement would become more logical. Now as a productive adult I know I can’t run away from all situations that I don’t like, so I’ve learned to adjust. But inside I still want to run! As I get older I also find that I'm in unpredictable situations less and less so I don't often get into a red zone situation. 

Now for my children now of them have got the flight instinct like I do. My older two are fighters. When they hit there red zone they yell scream and fight! My oldest daughter is physical fighter, when she hits her red zone area she wants to hurt whatever is making her uncomfortable in the current situation. My second daughter is more of an emotional fighter she’s going to cry and yell at the situation rather than try and hit you.

My youngest daughter is a freezer. Her red zone is the easiest to deal with because she just becomes this compliant, well behaved, quiet girl. But recently we were in a situation I could tell she was scared, but since she is just so compliant when she’s in her red zone, when I asked if it was ok for me to leave she replied yes and then I left. Later that day I was thinking about her reaction and was wondering if maybe it’s not healthy to ignore her emotions just because she’s not forcing you to deal with them because she’s so quiet. So the next day we had the same situation, but when she replied that she was ok, I asked her again and on the second questioning she started to cry and said no. So we talked about it a bit and I stayed with her until she was comfortable enough for me to leave.

What’s your default red zone? How do you deal with your children with their red zone response?

My anxiety moment!

What do you do as a parent your kids don’t need you anymore. I’ve been watching a show on Netflix called A Typical, it’s been an interesting show to watch. It’s about a family who has a child on the spectrum and now the kids are partly grown and the mom is trying to figure herself out now that her kids don’t need her as much anymore. It makes me think what will I do when my kids are older and don’t need me. They already don't need me as much as they used too. I don't need to feed them or dress them. The older two can go to school by themselves. They are my whole life! They have become my whole identity. I don’t have a career, all my friends have kids my friends age and I wonder sometimes if they didn’t have kids would we still be friends.

How do you become your own person again? How do you know who you truly are without your kids?

The whole concept of my kids growing up and not needing me anymore scares me more then I’d like to admit.

A couple days ago I posted about my middle daughters anxiety and this is one of mine. It makes me so scared I wish it didn’t.

Please share your anxiety trails. How did you overcome them? How old are children? How have you dealt with them being less dependent on you?

Anxious Moments

We had an incident last night and I thought I wonder how other people deal with this? So my middle daughter needed to take a pill last night and although she has taken this pill before without issues, there was anxiety about it because it had been a few months since the last time she took it.

 

So here’s the situation. I call her upstairs and as soon as she realizes that I’ve asked her to come upstairs because she needed to take a pill she started to get upset and cry. Now originally when she started these pills we had similar issues and spent a few days struggling with her to take them. Eventually she overcame her anxiety and learned that it wasn’t so bad. Well that was a while ago and it made yesterday like starting from scratch. She was so anxious about taking her pill that she worked herself into complete panic mode. I tried everything that I could think of to help her. I tried being logical, explaining that she had done it before therefore it wouldn’t be hard. It didn’t help. I tried reassuring her by talking to her calmly and that didn’t help. I tried asking her why she was so nervous about this, and although she answered me it didn’t help her take the pill. I tried building her up by telling her I knew she could do it and tried to get her to tell herself that she could do it. She did that, between sobs of tears. I tried counting down from five, saying that on one she would take the pill, she didn’t. I tried getting tough with her and telling her to just do it already!  I even tried bribing her. But nothing seemed to work. She was so upset and scared and she actually made herself dizzy. At this point she hadn’t even got to the point of putting the pill in her mouth for fear of failing.

Now although I seemed fairly calm from any observers point of view I was going crazy inside. Because how could she be upset over something so simple, especially something we had concurred before. But since I know anxiety isn't something rational I did my best to keep my thoughts inside! 

After what seemed to be far too long, she did put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it on the first try, therefor proving my point that it wasn’t going to be a big deal and she therefore could do it.

So in conclusion, do you have children who battle anxiety over particular tasks? What have you found has helped them overcome their fears?

God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears! Psalm 34:4

No Thoughts, turn into deep thoughts!

I haven’t had a lot of thoughts on my mind of late. Things here have been busy. I’ve worked a lot of days and spent the weekend being busier then I’d like. What are some things you like to do on weekends? I’d rather spend my weekends at home being lazy, but some members of my family would rather go out, so a lot of times we go out. This weekend was no exception! We spent most of the weekend out between family, church and then a date day. Which was so nice, but was still out. I’m 97% introverted according to a test I took, which just means I need more time to recharge then even  other introverts do. This becomes hard when a couple members of my family are extroverted and want to be out a lot of the time, plus with 3 kids lives makes life very busy. Thankfully unlike some introverts I am able to recharge at home with my family, I don’t need to be completely alone. Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you need to spend time alone or would you rather be out with other people? I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I took a personality test that splits people into 16 different personality types and although I was skeptical at first after I finished the test I couldn’t believe how accurate it was. It classified me as an ISFJ. The ‘I’ stands for Introverted, ‘S’ for Sensing, ‘F’ for Feeling and ‘J’ for Judging.

      Here’s a break down for all the different combinations:  

Extraverted (E) vs. Introverted (I),

their preference of one of the two functions of perception:

      Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N),

and their preference of one of the two functions of judging:

      Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)

The three areas of preferences introduced by Jung are dichotomies (i.e. bipolar dimensions where each pole represents a different preference). Jung also proposed that in a person one of the four functions above is dominant – either a function of perception or a function of judging. Isabel Briggs Myers, a researcher and practitioner of Jung’s theory, proposed to see the judging-perceiving relationship as a fourth dichotomy influencing personality type [Briggs Myers, 1980]:

      Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)

The first criterion, Extraversion – Introversion, signifies the source and direction of a person’s energy expression. An extravert’s source and direction of energy expression is mainly in the external world, while an introvert has a source of energy mainly in their own internal world.

The second criterion, Sensing – Intuition, represents the method by which someone perceives information. Sensing means that a person mainly believes information he or she receives directly from the external world. Intuition means that a person believes mainly information he or she receives from the internal or imaginative world.

The third criterion, Thinking – Feeling, represents how a person processes information. Thinking means that a person makes a decision mainly through logic. Feeling means that, as a rule, he or she makes a decision based on emotion, i.e. based on what they feel they should do.

The fourth criterion, Judging – Perceiving, reflects how a person implements the information he or she has processed. Judging means that a person organizes all of his life events and, as a rule, sticks to his plans. Perceiving means that he or she is inclined to improvise and explore alternative options.

A glimpse of all 16 different personality types

All possible permutations of preferences in the 4 dichotomies above yield 16 different combinations, or personality types, representing which of the two poles in each of the four dichotomies dominates in a person, thus defining 16 different personality types. Each personality type can be assigned a 4 letter acronym of corresponding combination of preferences: Reference Link

Are you interested which type you are? From reading the descriptions do you already have an idea? Here's a link to take the test free. It only takes about 12 minutes. MBTI Test 

Some fun random facts about my personality type:

Celebrities who share this type with me: From history we have a few, but these 3 stood out to me the most, Mother Teresa, George W. Bush, Rosa Parks. More current famous ISFJ's are, Bruce Willis, Halle Berry, Kate Middleton, just to name a few. 

ISFJ's as a whole we are shy and reserved. We generally take life to seriously. We are very loyal and devoted. It's said we are the behind-the-scene "glue" for organizations and groups. We are knowns for remembering specifics, names and faces. We are caring, sympathetic and want to help but do not need the kudos. We may even be suspicious of those who try to confer compliments on us. 

Did you take the test? If you did comment with what type you are. This has become a great interest for me and I've learned many things about myself through the exploration of my type and would love to know more about the types of people who read my blog.