Transitions

Once again life has changed! As we transition onre bonus baby into our home we also transition one out of our home. The feeling of sending a child home to their parents is one that I can’t really explain. On one hand you are so happy! Happy for the child who gets to live with their mom or dad again, happy for the parent who has overcome some huge obstacles to regain custody of their child. Yet on the other hand you feel broken! Broken because while the parents were getting things figured out, you took their child into your home, you loved them. You kissed and hugged them. When they were sad you comforted them. When they were sick you were worried about them. All of these things make you love them and when you love a child and the child leaves you, life feels incomplete for a little while.

One thing that has helped me grieve the losses of this little people is that I scrapbook their time with us, and send it with them. I know it may get lost or thrown away, but it’s my way of giving them a piece of me to take with them.

Now that’s something I do for myself but that doesn’t help my bio children grieve. So I’ve been trying to think of ways to help them. Now we are about to say goodbye to another little one. This little one has been a part of our lives only for a few months but our children have grown very attached to her. She is little and won’t really be able to appreciate the scrapbook that I’m making for her, so I decided to take our girls to build a bear and have them make her a stuffy. As they put the heart into the bunny  that they picked out for her. I told them to put all the love they felt for her into that heart, so that when she left she would go with all the love that they have for her. They bathed that bunny, and picked a name and clothes for her to wear, they hugged and kissed it. We will give her this gift on her last day with us, and though I don’t know if it will help them or not, but she will always have a piece of their heart with her as long as she has that bunny.  I hope somehow this helps my girls pain heal, or be a little less. But I don’t know that it will.

The day before our little one was set to go home, I took a little extra time doing everything with her. I gave her one last bath, one last hug (or 6), one last meal, one last snuggle, knowing that the next day was going to be tough. I gave each of my girls the choice of missing school or a missing a part of school, or saying goodbye before school. Emily choose to just say goodbye before school, so as she was about the leave I reminded her that she wouldn’t see baby again. She ran up the stairs and gave her a squeeze and a kiss, I held baby as Emily put on her coat and boots and we waved goodbye to Emily one last time. As tears sprung into my eyes I knew that it was going to be a rough day.

Rebecca had spent many times in the last couple of days in tears because she didn’t have enough time with baby, so she opted to skip school altogether. She spent the morning playing with baby. I spent the morning staying busy. I got the rest of baby’s things packed away. I also cleaned. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, bathrooms and basement. Not because they needed it that badly or because I was worried about what the social worker would think when she got to my house, but because by staying busy I didn’t think about the fact that the baby would be leaving soon.

When the social worker arrived my heart jumped into my throat. It was time! I gave baby one more squeeze and kiss, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I wiped them away and tried to put on a smile for the kids, but it didn’t work. The social worker packed up the sweet baby girl and took her. It was so hard, I watched her leave and then I curled up on the couch and let the tears flow freely. Rebecca was very sad as well. Her and I sat and cuddled on the couch for a while after and just held each other and cried. It’s hard because in our family we have the two extreme’s when it comes to emotions. Keith and Olivia are very logical and although they were sad and going to miss Baby, looked at it in the sense that this is what was supposed to happen and therefore not worth getting upset over. Emily runs somewhere in the middle and then Rebecca and I are very emotional and although we understand the logic of the situation our emotions still take over. Although I couldn’t be happier to be a part of such an amazing reunion, I grieve for our family. She became a part of our family in the months we had her and that’s what I grieve. I pray that she never has to go through this situation again but we will still miss her sweet face. Now to move on. It’s not easy and everyone does it different. For me it means cleaning. I try and keep myself busy, but when I least expect it, something triggers me and I am overcome with emotions, and it sends me spiraling. The things that have helped get me through is the emails from baby’s bio mom, thanking me and telling me I did amazing job. Also asking if I might want to have her back for a day or two. This is the part of the story that I haven’t got to be a part of before now. It’s amazing to be able to connect with her bio mom in a positive way and know that baby is back where she belongs, no matter how hard that is for us.

So what’s next? I don’t know! We never know, now we wait for another call, and while we wait we go on with life as normal, because it could all change any second. I pray for the children I have not met yet. The ones who are living in a situation less then ideal and don't even know it. I pray for the child who may come through our door any day. I pray for their parents who have made some undesirable life choices that has led their child into our door. These are the things that fill my prays. 

Please feel free to ask any questions you may have about this life we live! 

(Pictures are being posted with the permission of bio mom!)