I Just want to Say Hello Again!

 As I sit here I reflect on the last two months. Two months! That’s how long it’s been since I saw your faces, the last time I hugged and we were forced to say goodbye. I can’t believe it’s been that long. As the days past things get easier, life takes on a new normal, but one thing doesn’t get easier and that’s how much I miss you. How much I just want a hug and to hear you say hello again, and to never have to say goodbye. I look around my house and it still feels empty without you in it. I still hear your voice echo through the house again. I don’t know if that will ever change. I miss you so much my sweet, sweet girls!

The last two months have been the worse. I’d give anything to go back to quarantine when we had to be together for months with no break, at the time I didn’t know how I would get through without a break and now that you aren’t here anymore I just want those times back. I want to wake up and know you are still here. I want to hear your voice, and see your face around our table again. I miss those times we had together. I miss movie nights, and tiktok dances. I miss family meals and everything in between. I even miss our arguments. Life has become so simple and I used to like our simple life, but that same life now seems empty without you in it. I hate this simple life! I want the complicated life back, and I know I can’t have it, not with you at least, at least not right now and that breaks my heart in a way I didn’t even know was possible. I honestly can say I didn’t know how much I wanted you here until you weren’t anymore. If given another chance I won’t take it for granted. I will live everyday like it’s my last with you. I will hug you like every hug is the last one I’ll get, because if I had known that hug was going to be our last for this long I would have held on tighter. I would have told you I love you one more time. My heart is never going to be the same, there will always be scar where it broke when I lost you my sweet girls.

But as I think about the last two months, it makes me think of the 16months before that. The day I met you and how scared you must have been. It makes me think of all the good days we had. There were so many. I miss those days the most. The day in Drumheller when we went hiking in the hoodoos, and stopped and picked flowers in the ditch. When you wrote your name in the sand, with our name attached. That was my favorite day! But there were so many more that come close to being a favorite. The day you decided you were ready to call me Mom! The day you told a court room full of people that I was “your mom!” As hard as that day was, it will always be a memory that I cherish in my heart! It still hurts me so much that they made you leave people who you loved so much, and who you loved so much! It makes me so angry that the system is so broken and that you had to be a part of it.  There are so many more days that I miss. Like your anniversary party. The day you came home from your family visit and saw your new room, I’m so sad you only got to enjoy it for 2 weeks. The way you came running down to your new room, crying, and said I never knew how much you loved me! My heart broke a little that day because you deserved so much love and you deserved to know how much we all loved you. Your birthdays were special. Christmas, I’m sad because I only got to have one, but it was a great one! The day that you and dad made up and that hug! I'm so glad I made the snap decision to take a picture of that hug. That way we will never forget that day. That was a good day too. But most of all I miss the everyday, I miss seeing you in the morning, I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing you talk about your life. I missing hugging you goodnight. I miss knowing everything! My love for you hasn’t changed and it never will, which makes not knowing anything even harder for me. I really hope that this isn’t the end of our relationship. I really hope we still have a future together so way, but no matter what I will cherish the days we had together, even if they were numbered!

I miss you and love you my sweet girls!