My Heart can't let her go!

At some point in my life I felt like my emotions were not ok. I felt like showing my emotions was a weakness. So I began holding them in. For anyone who knows me, they know that I feel very large emotions. But I tend to feel the need to keep them to myself. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I do. So when it’s time for a little one to move one, I tell myself that it’s ok, that this is what’s supposed to happen. That this was always part of the plan, and a part of me actually believes that I’m ok with it, when in fact I’m completely broken. I don’t know how I am going to live never seeing that sweet face again. Tonight as I write this I face another little one leaving tomorrow and up until this very evening I haven’t let myself feel what I actually feel. I made her memory and sure it made me sad looking back at the sweet pictures as I carefully laid out the pages but I guarded my heart against the my true feeling. I even packed away all of her things, but still no feelings slipped through. I made the final preparations for her departure yet still I held it all in. Letting myself believe the lies that I had been telling myself. And not letting myself be vulnerable even to myself. My worker called to ask how I was doing and I said all the things she needed to hear about how it would be hard

but that we knew that this was always the plan and that she was always meant to go back home. I don’t even want to show my emotions to my husband! I’m afraid he won’t understand. So tonight suddenly while alone in the shower, all my feelings came flooding over me and all I could do was weep. As I washed my hair I wept, and now I can’t stop. All my thoughts keep screaming, “I DON’T WANT HER TO GO!” over and over again and as that thought goes through my head the sobs over take my body. My head knows all the facts but my heart is a different story!

Preparing for the unpreparable!

Now some of you may be wondering what I do to prepare myself for a goodbye. How do you say goodbye to a child that you've mother's for weeks or months. What could you possibly do to make something that seems impossible possible?

When the process is works the way it’s supposed to, we are given some time before the child actually leaves our home. When we are first informed that they are getting ready to move a child in our home I usually take a day or two to process the news. You see I don’t handle change well. Which considering the life I am currently living it is almost laughable! Since starting down this crazy journey our family has fluctuated in size more than a few times. But once I’ve come to terms with the move that is going to happen, my next step in the grieving process is to pray. I always pray for 3 specific things during this transition time.

1.     The first thing I ask God to help with, is looking out for the child who’s leaving. I don’t like being out of control but with these bonus children I don’t have a choice. They are leaving no matter what I do or say and once they are no longer living in my home I have zero control, so I ask God to watch over them, and to keep them safe in the months and years to come and that although they may not always remember my love they will always know love! 

2.     The second thing I take to God is my family. Every time a sweet face goes to live in another home it affects our family. Some worse than others, and so I ask our Father to help my bio children to be accepting and understanding of the move ahead of our family. I also pray over their grieving process, because in the weeks or months that bonus child lived with us, we’ve loved them as our own and so when they leave there is grief. Each of my children are unique and so I ask God to be with them in their personal grief, however that looks!

3.     The third thing I pray for is for the soon to be empty bed and for the next little person who’s going to fill it. I don’t know who that person is ,but God does. He knows where he/she is living. What the situation for this child is in! God knows it all and so I ask him to protect that child and to prepare them for what’s coming in their little life.

  Physically in the weeks before a child leaves our home I go through all our stuff to make sure that I’m not forgetting anything that belongs to them. I begin to pack their belongings. I fold up all their little clothes into boxes or suitcases. I pack their toys making sure there’s nothing I’ve missed. I make sure on the day they leave that they have all their favourite things with them so that even if there new home is completely unfamiliar there is something familiar. 

Once thing that I find helps me process a child leaving our home is to make them a memory book of their time with us. This book contains pictures of the things we did together. Looking back over the pictures from our weeks or months together helps me come to terms with the hard goodbye ahead.

This is my process and I’m sure it’ll change in the future but these are the things that I’ve found have helped make saying goodbye a little easier.

Less Sad Goodbye's

Well in the last 5 months we have made another small child apart of our family, and already we've said goodbye to her. 

It’s been a crazy 5 months. This particular little one has been sick or teething for most of the winter and the other little one we added to our ranks a little while later has followed suit. So spent a good part of the first two months of 2019 being cooped up in our house. This made for a rough couple of months. 

Now many of you have read post from similar bloggers like myself talking about how hard it is to let a placement go. But maybe you haven’t heard about the ones that are easier to let go. We foster parents don’t talk about the ones that we have a hard time attaching too. The ones that don’t jive with our family. Unfortunately this little sweetheart was one of those. She was adorable and had the best personality when we were out, but at home when it was just us it was hard, and that made it hard on everyone. So when I got the call that she was leaving us, I wasn’t sad. I immediately started thinking and planning the move as it was short notice.  The person who delivered the news kept asking me what I needed and all I could think about was how I needed to start packing.  How the play house I bought wasn’t going to fit into the vehicle that would be picking her up. How that the time between when the call ended and when she’d need to go home was very busy family schedule was packed and now I needed to add one more thing to my list of things to do. Not once did I think about how this was going to change our life or how her leaving would impact our daily life. I hung up the phone and immediately ran off with one of our kids, to an afterschool activity and then to next, then ran home to scarfed down some supper. Then I had 15 minutes to spare before we had to rush off again. I immediately went into her room and started packing. I started putting together boxes and pulling her belonging out of the dresser  and as I grabbed a hand full of her pajamas, suddenly I got hit with a wave of sadness. Sadness that this little sweetheart would not living with us anymore. Sadness for my own children who would miss her.  And in my sadness I felt guilty, why guilty you ask? I felt guilty because this is a happy moment. This is how it’s all supposed to be. This was a best case scenario, it all worked the way it’s planned. But it was still sudden and unplanned and it’s sad. 

The next day I finish packing all her things, make the final arrangements. I keep myself busy, busy meant I wasn't thinking and thinking meant I wasn't feeling. Then the moment happened, it’s time for her to go. I hand her off, she squeals in excitement at the sight of her family. We pack all her things in the vehicle. Her family shakes my hand and thanks me for being there for her and then they take her and go. I can feel the emotions swelling up and I say my final words to her family. I keep it under control, I think I have to.  After they drive away I sit down, relaxing for the first time since hearing the news, and really think. I let the emotions come over me, these emotions aren’t huge every changing emotions, but calmer, just a swell of sadness from deep inside me. I let myself sit in my emotions for the next little bit. 

So if you see a parent who takes in other peoples children when they need a place to stay, and they have recently said goodbye to one of their little ones, always remember that no matter how easy of a goodbye they say it was, it's still a goodbye. They are still loosing someone who was apart of their family for a time and no matter how it happens it's always hard to stay goodbye to a part of your family!!