Transitions

Once again life has changed! As we transition onre bonus baby into our home we also transition one out of our home. The feeling of sending a child home to their parents is one that I can’t really explain. On one hand you are so happy! Happy for the child who gets to live with their mom or dad again, happy for the parent who has overcome some huge obstacles to regain custody of their child. Yet on the other hand you feel broken! Broken because while the parents were getting things figured out, you took their child into your home, you loved them. You kissed and hugged them. When they were sad you comforted them. When they were sick you were worried about them. All of these things make you love them and when you love a child and the child leaves you, life feels incomplete for a little while.

One thing that has helped me grieve the losses of this little people is that I scrapbook their time with us, and send it with them. I know it may get lost or thrown away, but it’s my way of giving them a piece of me to take with them.

Now that’s something I do for myself but that doesn’t help my bio children grieve. So I’ve been trying to think of ways to help them. Now we are about to say goodbye to another little one. This little one has been a part of our lives only for a few months but our children have grown very attached to her. She is little and won’t really be able to appreciate the scrapbook that I’m making for her, so I decided to take our girls to build a bear and have them make her a stuffy. As they put the heart into the bunny  that they picked out for her. I told them to put all the love they felt for her into that heart, so that when she left she would go with all the love that they have for her. They bathed that bunny, and picked a name and clothes for her to wear, they hugged and kissed it. We will give her this gift on her last day with us, and though I don’t know if it will help them or not, but she will always have a piece of their heart with her as long as she has that bunny.  I hope somehow this helps my girls pain heal, or be a little less. But I don’t know that it will.

The day before our little one was set to go home, I took a little extra time doing everything with her. I gave her one last bath, one last hug (or 6), one last meal, one last snuggle, knowing that the next day was going to be tough. I gave each of my girls the choice of missing school or a missing a part of school, or saying goodbye before school. Emily choose to just say goodbye before school, so as she was about the leave I reminded her that she wouldn’t see baby again. She ran up the stairs and gave her a squeeze and a kiss, I held baby as Emily put on her coat and boots and we waved goodbye to Emily one last time. As tears sprung into my eyes I knew that it was going to be a rough day.

Rebecca had spent many times in the last couple of days in tears because she didn’t have enough time with baby, so she opted to skip school altogether. She spent the morning playing with baby. I spent the morning staying busy. I got the rest of baby’s things packed away. I also cleaned. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, bathrooms and basement. Not because they needed it that badly or because I was worried about what the social worker would think when she got to my house, but because by staying busy I didn’t think about the fact that the baby would be leaving soon.

When the social worker arrived my heart jumped into my throat. It was time! I gave baby one more squeeze and kiss, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I wiped them away and tried to put on a smile for the kids, but it didn’t work. The social worker packed up the sweet baby girl and took her. It was so hard, I watched her leave and then I curled up on the couch and let the tears flow freely. Rebecca was very sad as well. Her and I sat and cuddled on the couch for a while after and just held each other and cried. It’s hard because in our family we have the two extreme’s when it comes to emotions. Keith and Olivia are very logical and although they were sad and going to miss Baby, looked at it in the sense that this is what was supposed to happen and therefore not worth getting upset over. Emily runs somewhere in the middle and then Rebecca and I are very emotional and although we understand the logic of the situation our emotions still take over. Although I couldn’t be happier to be a part of such an amazing reunion, I grieve for our family. She became a part of our family in the months we had her and that’s what I grieve. I pray that she never has to go through this situation again but we will still miss her sweet face. Now to move on. It’s not easy and everyone does it different. For me it means cleaning. I try and keep myself busy, but when I least expect it, something triggers me and I am overcome with emotions, and it sends me spiraling. The things that have helped get me through is the emails from baby’s bio mom, thanking me and telling me I did amazing job. Also asking if I might want to have her back for a day or two. This is the part of the story that I haven’t got to be a part of before now. It’s amazing to be able to connect with her bio mom in a positive way and know that baby is back where she belongs, no matter how hard that is for us.

So what’s next? I don’t know! We never know, now we wait for another call, and while we wait we go on with life as normal, because it could all change any second. I pray for the children I have not met yet. The ones who are living in a situation less then ideal and don't even know it. I pray for the child who may come through our door any day. I pray for their parents who have made some undesirable life choices that has led their child into our door. These are the things that fill my prays. 

Please feel free to ask any questions you may have about this life we live! 

(Pictures are being posted with the permission of bio mom!)

Foster Life!

The last time I wrote here we had just started the foster parent process. Now we’ve been licensed for nearly a year. What has the last year looked like for us, you ask? Well, it’s been crazy but the best kind of crazy. It all started December 20, 2017 with a call from children’s services saying that we were licensed and they wanted to place 3 girls with us. My heart jumped into my throat as the worker described these girls, all I can say is that God placed the name of the oldest child on my heart, as the worker confirmed that yes that’s who they needed a home for. I couldn’t say no after that. So on December 20, only 5 days before Christmas we doubled the number of children in our family. Then
next 3 weeks were hectic as we adjusted to having 6 children. For the most part everyone fell into the routine of being a large family. It was so hard to watch as these sweet girls struggled through their situation. We scrambled together to get Christmas presents bought for our newest additions to our family. At first we were told we’d likely have them for 6mths, but shortly after new year’s we were told they’d be going back home relatively quickly. As we began to transition these girls back to their parent’s thing got harder, their behaviors were more frequent. We also had to juggle a lot, 3-5 visits a week, plus all our own family activities. In mid-February, the girls went home for the last time. I was torn up more than I could have thought was possible. How could I have become so attached in 6 short weeks? The hardest thing for me was that we didn’t get to say goodbye, I packed up their stuff and Keith drove the youngest home before school was even out. To this day I have not seen the 2 older girls. We did get an update a few months later, but I felt robbed for not getting to say goodbye. I knew these girls were meant to be home and that I had taken care of them the best I could but in the moment it didn’t feel like enough. I had to let God carry me through.

After the girls went home our beds stayed empty for 2 weeks. We did relief care, called respite for a few days but that was it. Then on the very last day of February we got a call about 2 boys. They were brothers in a rough situation that needed our beds. My heart bled as the worker described the situation that they were in and once again I couldn’t say no. As the worker talked she revealed that they was a third brother who they were going to try and place somewhere else, because his behaviors were out of our wheel house. Only an hour later the worker called back and said they couldn’t find anyone to take the third brother and was there any way we’d take him. We said yes, but this time to only take him temporarily, while the worker found another place for him. So the next day we went and met these boys. As we walked into the room where they were, my heart broke. The boys were all hiding and cowering behind other adults. I couldn’t image what had happened to them that made them so afraid of new people. The next few days were chaos. These boys were wild! They didn’t know how to behave around each other. I broke up fist fights, choking, and so much fighting. I dodged as things were hurdled at me. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. The next 3 months was more of the same chaos. As the boys started to feel safe, their behaviors continued to accelerate. One evening as I sat with my back to the door as one of the boys hurdled insult after insult at me, and when he realized that the insults weren’t working he started hurdling objects instead. I sat with my head protected by my arms and prayed to God to give me strength to continue on. This particular trauma filled outburst lasted for 3 hours. When it was over I couldn’t remember how I got through. I couldn’t remember what happened. All I could remember was that it was awful and I never wanted to do through it again. That wasn’t the way it was to be. I sat through many other incidents, some resulted in broken property.  After a particularly bad incident where I lost my cool, we asked for 1 of the boys to be removed, it broke my heart to make this decision, but deep down I knew I couldn't continue on. This is what I call the whirl-wind week. Within 7 days 2 of the boys moved. We were told that they’d like us to stay connected and visit as often as possible, so we spent one weekend day with the boys for the next 4 weeks. It was so hard because every time we saw them, they were so sad that they weren’t living with us anymore, yet we were relieved. The last 3 months were the worst of our lives, but they were the most normal they'd ever had.

After the boys left life settled down quite a bit, and life began to feel normal again. We only had 4 kids now, which seemed like a breeze after the last 3 months of crazy hectic. Then when summer vacation was about to start we got a message that there was a little baby 3 hours away and they couldn’t find a home for. She was tiny and had been alive for less than half a year. We said yes, and waited, the next 2 days seemed like forever, I tried not to get excited but it was so hard, a baby was exactly where my heart wanted to be. Then we got the call that they had been able to find kin for her instead. I was happy for the little one, who would be able to stay closer to home, yet I was sad, how could I be upset about a baby I had never met? It seems impossible but it was true I had wanted to have that baby so badly and yet I knew she was better off with kin. So I trusted in God and that he would lead us to where we needed to be. Not even a week later we got another call, another baby, and another girl this one a few months older. She was in need of a home and without even talking to Keith I told the worker on the phone that we’d take her. Just like that she moved in the same day. This was the beginning of our summer. July was a rough month as I got used to a baby getting up in the night. At first it wasn’t too bad, but after a few weeks I was worn out. We went through some tough stuff, we couldn’t figure out what was wrong. The baby cried a lot, sometimes uncontrollably. I realized that it’s a lot harder to take care of someone else’s baby then your own. There was so many things that I didn’t understand about her and had to learn by trial and error, many, many errors. We had both of our bonus children get Hand, foot and Mouth, which meant 2 weeks of quarantine. This was hardest on our very outgoing bonus son. He couldn’t go to day camp or anywhere for over a week. For me this was bliss, don’t get me wrong the sick kids weren’t fun and our bonus son drove me crazy, but I loved being trapped inside the house. Summer continued, our family fell into a good rhythm. Life seemed to be normal once again. I started to feel like these kids were mine, not to keep forever, but for a while at least. Which didn’t happen, suddenly just as summer was winding down, we found out that they wanted to move our bonus son. I was devastated, not because I wanted to keep him forever, but because I thought he was going to stay for a while longer. I felt like the rug of my life had been ripped out from under me. We fought it, again not because we wanted to keep him, but because we wanted to make sure his best interest was being represented. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I sat through a two hour meeting where someone I never met, accused me of things that I couldn’t imagine. She was a ‘professional’ so therefore she must have been right! I said all the things I needed to say. I made all the points that I felt needed to be made and then left it in God’s hands. It was hard to trust that he knew what was best for everyone involved, but I tried. As the first month of school was half done, and we were preparing to spend some time with friends we got the call that he was being moved.  A part of me broke that day, as I knew we’d be losing him and that our hands were tied. I felt so helpless. Could I have done more, I thought! Was it enough? A cloud hovered over my head for the next week. I knew he would be ok, but it still saddened me. As the day of his move came closer the cloud got larger and on the morning of his moving day the cloud burst and I cried all the tears that I could muster. I wasn’t able to even get out of bed. All the kids asked what was wrong, and all Keith could say was that I was sad. After a while I regained control and was able to get myself ready for the day. We packed all his stuff into our truck and drove to his new house. I was dreading the moment when we’d have to leave him. As we got out of the truck, we were greeted by some of the people who worked at the house where the boys were now living. They told us that they had moved, not far, just next door, but moved none the less. So we went and knocked on the door and to my surprise we found that they were the only residents of this side of the house. We stayed and played with the boys for a while. They eagerly showed us around their new house. My heart started to mend, I knew that this was what was best for, not only the one who had been living with us, but all 3 of them. I shook my head as I knew I had been doubtful and had not trusted God fully, but that God had answered my prayers anyways. As our time there was coming to an end I so many huge hugs that I lost count, but he seemed happy and I knew that no matter how hard it was for us to let him go, this was the best thing for him.

The next week seemed like a blur! We had one less kid to get ready every morning. There wasn’t an endless stream of questions, and it was eerily quiet even when all the kids were home.  The dinner table also changed. As the week went on we slowly began to adjust to our new normal. Things seemed simpler, but not the same. Everyone seemed off too. Rebecca moved so slowly when she was getting ready for school, and cried over things that she normally wouldn’t cry over. Olivia seemed unaffected yet she was quick to argue and fight. Emily was moody and became upset quickly. I was probably the worst, although I felt like I was fine, my temper was always close to the service and I found myself snapping when I normally wouldn’t. This is what getting used to a new normal looks like. As the week was wrapping up we got a call about another little one in need of a home and so now we will have a new normal again.

This year has been so challenging on so many levels and there’s been many days were I don’t think I can’t handle it anymore. Then I look into the eyes of one of my bonus kids, or I hear of the crisis in the foster care system and my heart breaks again. I can’t imagine not doing this. There’s been so much hard stuff that I can’t even being to describe but when the phone rings and says will you take another, I can’t say no! I look at their innocent faces and can’t imagine saying no. So this is us! Our family has grown and shrunk far to often and will continue to do so in the months to come I'm sure. 

Please if you are a praying person, please pray for our family. Pray for the children who come into our lives and pray for ones who leave. Pray of us as we fall in love and grieve over and over again for the sweet faces we may never see again.