My Heart can't let her go!

At some point in my life I felt like my emotions were not ok. I felt like showing my emotions was a weakness. So I began holding them in. For anyone who knows me, they know that I feel very large emotions. But I tend to feel the need to keep them to myself. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I do. So when it’s time for a little one to move one, I tell myself that it’s ok, that this is what’s supposed to happen. That this was always part of the plan, and a part of me actually believes that I’m ok with it, when in fact I’m completely broken. I don’t know how I am going to live never seeing that sweet face again. Tonight as I write this I face another little one leaving tomorrow and up until this very evening I haven’t let myself feel what I actually feel. I made her memory and sure it made me sad looking back at the sweet pictures as I carefully laid out the pages but I guarded my heart against the my true feeling. I even packed away all of her things, but still no feelings slipped through. I made the final preparations for her departure yet still I held it all in. Letting myself believe the lies that I had been telling myself. And not letting myself be vulnerable even to myself. My worker called to ask how I was doing and I said all the things she needed to hear about how it would be hard

but that we knew that this was always the plan and that she was always meant to go back home. I don’t even want to show my emotions to my husband! I’m afraid he won’t understand. So tonight suddenly while alone in the shower, all my feelings came flooding over me and all I could do was weep. As I washed my hair I wept, and now I can’t stop. All my thoughts keep screaming, “I DON’T WANT HER TO GO!” over and over again and as that thought goes through my head the sobs over take my body. My head knows all the facts but my heart is a different story!

Preparing for the unpreparable!

Now some of you may be wondering what I do to prepare myself for a goodbye. How do you say goodbye to a child that you've mother's for weeks or months. What could you possibly do to make something that seems impossible possible?

When the process is works the way it’s supposed to, we are given some time before the child actually leaves our home. When we are first informed that they are getting ready to move a child in our home I usually take a day or two to process the news. You see I don’t handle change well. Which considering the life I am currently living it is almost laughable! Since starting down this crazy journey our family has fluctuated in size more than a few times. But once I’ve come to terms with the move that is going to happen, my next step in the grieving process is to pray. I always pray for 3 specific things during this transition time.

1.     The first thing I ask God to help with, is looking out for the child who’s leaving. I don’t like being out of control but with these bonus children I don’t have a choice. They are leaving no matter what I do or say and once they are no longer living in my home I have zero control, so I ask God to watch over them, and to keep them safe in the months and years to come and that although they may not always remember my love they will always know love! 

2.     The second thing I take to God is my family. Every time a sweet face goes to live in another home it affects our family. Some worse than others, and so I ask our Father to help my bio children to be accepting and understanding of the move ahead of our family. I also pray over their grieving process, because in the weeks or months that bonus child lived with us, we’ve loved them as our own and so when they leave there is grief. Each of my children are unique and so I ask God to be with them in their personal grief, however that looks!

3.     The third thing I pray for is for the soon to be empty bed and for the next little person who’s going to fill it. I don’t know who that person is ,but God does. He knows where he/she is living. What the situation for this child is in! God knows it all and so I ask him to protect that child and to prepare them for what’s coming in their little life.

  Physically in the weeks before a child leaves our home I go through all our stuff to make sure that I’m not forgetting anything that belongs to them. I begin to pack their belongings. I fold up all their little clothes into boxes or suitcases. I pack their toys making sure there’s nothing I’ve missed. I make sure on the day they leave that they have all their favourite things with them so that even if there new home is completely unfamiliar there is something familiar. 

Once thing that I find helps me process a child leaving our home is to make them a memory book of their time with us. This book contains pictures of the things we did together. Looking back over the pictures from our weeks or months together helps me come to terms with the hard goodbye ahead.

This is my process and I’m sure it’ll change in the future but these are the things that I’ve found have helped make saying goodbye a little easier.